People with defensive tendencies walk amongst us, and there’s little we can do to prevent it. They are who they are and for the most part, in our personal lives, we can choose to deal with them, or not. At work, however, we’re forced to interact with these people, and delivering feedback can prove challenging. Consider an otherwise excellent employee, someone who shows up in every way: on time, reliable, pitches in, doesn’t watch the clock. You’re happy with their overall performance, but like any manager, there have been occasions when you’ve had to step in to correct something they are doing and you’re met with a defensive attitude to beat all. You might also have a team member who gets “set off” at the most seemingly innocent comments, their hackles raised ready to do battle.
Defensiveness, Defined
While we know it when we see it, let’s take a look at some of the characteristics that make up a defensive attitude:
- Use excuses as justification
- Place blame on others
- Unwilling to change
- Manipulative
- Hyper-critical
- Try to shift focus off of themselves by deflecting
- Become sarcastic
Defensive behavior can be expressed as hurt, indignation, offense or outright anger. Occasionally it shows up as self-pity or self-depreciation, as well, in an effort to generate a reaction to have someone feel sorry for them. Many times, people who act defensively actually feel good about it: in their minds, they are protecting their honor, their point of view or even their virtue. It’s in the word protection that we begin to gain clarity on defensiveness. When a person experiences a sense of being threatened- whether real or perceived, our body has a natural tendency protect it. How we process and express those threats are very individualized, and conditioning, through one’s life experiences, impact those reactions.
Imagine a young man who grew up in a household where a parent was constantly berating or belittling him, yelling over the smallest of things. Those threat responses were so well-groomed that when his mom walked into the room to say something, he naturally tensed up, preparing to be yelled at or worse.
In other areas of his life, away from home, when someone came to him with a corrective comment, he turned to the only thing he knew: a defensive attitude. Some people are capable of taming those tendencies, especially when they are away from their largest stressors, others adapt the behavior and traits in all of their relationships, personal or professional. And still others are, at some point, able to overcome them.
Now, this information is not meant to make any of you become “junior psychologists”, nor is the following information, but it may give you some insight into why people react defensively and provide you with some hacks to properly lead and manage them going forward.
The Approach
Defensiveness is inherently passive, meaning most people don’t walk through life in a vigilant state of perceived threat. It becomes active when an emotional trigger occurs, and if they are conditioned to react- meaning less emotionally in tune and capable of seeing something and interpreting it for what it is- they will. If you have someone like this who works for you, trying a different approach to offering feedback may well be in order.
- First and foremost, don’t fear giving feedback to a defensive person. You need to do it, so remain calm and controlled.
- Watch your body language. People take clues not only from your words but also how you carry yourself. If you come at them closed off, scowl on your face and brusque, they “sense” a threat. Remember, you’re simply doing your job and and this is part of it, albeit one of the more difficult ones.
- Avoid accusations and absolutes. Instead, identify the situation, circumstance or behavior without judgement and remember that people don’t ALWAYS or NEVER do/say/act in a certain way. An example would be ” I’ve noticed that the call log hasn’t been entered, and was wondering if you realized this?” or in the case of a repeated directive that has gone unmet “It’s come to my attention that the call log continues to be ignored. What can you tell me about that?” Notice how different that sounds from ” Ann, I’ve asked you over and again to take care of the call log and you never do it. You always seem to think it’s no big deal.”
- Don’t deliver negative feedback in public. In general, people don’t like to be reprimanded in front of their peers, nor should they.
- Don’t attack their character.
- Offer them a safety net. Be sure to reassure them (if appropriate) that you’re satisfied with their overall performance and that this is simply one area that offers an opportunity for growth.
- If your employee remains defensive while you are delivering the feedback, avoid getting into a debate with them and allowing those defensive reactions to escalate. Instead, disengage (again, unless it’s a very pressing or serious matter) and simply tell them to think about what you said and let them know you can talk about it at another time- perhaps later in the week. By doing this, you cut them off at the pass and allow that threat response to retreat. Since their first emotional reaction is to ready themselves for a perceived attack, they’ll have time to move into a cooler headspace and probably discuss it calmly.
- Ditch the superiority mindset: your employee knows that you’re her boss. Being an authority versus having a feeling of superiority are two distinctively different things. Feelings of superiority prevent you from having empathy, and leaves you detached from your direct reports. Superiority infers that you are “better than” or “more than” another person.
- Finally, don’t harbor bad feelings about the issue you’re dealing with. After you’ve delivered the feedback, move on. You’re a manager and holding grudges is not a leadership characteristic.
A Word about “Constructive Criticism”
Baloney. That’s the word. Baloney. The concept of constructive criticism is outdated and actually holds a negative connotation, despite sounding as though, by offering it, you’re “building” someone up. Simply telling someone that “I want to offer you constructive criticism” doesn’t make it less so, either. The plain truth is that no matter HOW you deliver feedback, if the person doesn’t trust you, while you may get them to bend to your will, you’ve gone down a notch in their mind.
Criticism is criticism is criticism.
No one wants it leveled against them and anyone will go into protection mode from it. Telling someone, instead, that you see an opportunity for growth will go over much more effectively. Opportunity. Growth. Who wouldn’t like those words?
When All Else Fails…
There may be people that work for you who, despite you best efforts, simply can not or will not respond to receiving feedback in anything other than a defensive manner. Your challenge is to then determine if their behavior undermines the culture of the office, if it is infrequent enough to not become too bothered by it or if they have the capacity to change. And make your decision to retain them, or not.
Until next time,
Peace, Joy and Success to you all!
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